| Not Quite the Prodigal Daughter |
[30 Sep 2009|12:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ampersand - Amanda Palmer |
] |
This was originally going to be a comment on one of my friend's facebook pages & then it became a bit long & I realized some other people in my life might be interested in reading it - so I decided that I would just post it as a journal entry.
I am very frustrated right now.
When I arrived at my parent's I noticed they had a brand new Mac desktop. Not only is it a brand new Mac - this particular Mac costs about $2000 after taxes & whatever extras they needed to buy.Then, I find out that besides the Mac, my mother also has a brand new laptop. This laptop is about $800 after extras & taxes.
These are the same people who said they absolutely couldn't lend their daughter $114 so she could pay insurance on her car about a month ago. LEND being the key word (& I ended up making the money for the insurance a week later, when I would have paid them back). Also - these are the same people that asked me to front a little over $1000 for a trip down to SC to see my brother graduate basic training as well as have a mini vacation (which I did front & still got shit about because they said I wanted the money back too soon - even though the agreement was that they would have to pay me back before we went on the trip WHICH they didn't).
I know for a fact they can't afford both of these new computers & that although my mom definitely needed a new one, they didn't need two new ones. Especially not a $2000 Mac when they could have gotten a comparable PC for much less. Honestly, my mom's old laptop could have been salvaged if she had just wiped it clean & set it to factory settings but she didn't want to lose all of her files. So - she buys a new laptop in which she doesn't have access to all of her files anyway? UGH! They make know sense & absolutely anger me.
And now my mom is getting on my case asking why I paid my phone bill & not my car insurance. Honestly - I thought that I was going to have enough money to pay my car insurance by the time the payment was originally due (Sept 16), but then I got sick & my phone bill was due before I got sick-so I paid it then. But even so, at the time these bills needed to be paid, I was staying with Mike & we were traveling to the same places- so, I had someone to carpool with if I couldn't use my car. I wouldn't have anyway for anyone to contact me - including work & school - if I didn't have a phone & it isn't like my insurance has lapsed. I have until the 7th to pay it & I'll have the money before then since I am now working a steady job.
As much as coming to my parents was ultimately needed (because they are giving me some money so I can go to my doctor & have gas to get to school & work until I get paid on Friday) the stress it is putting on me is so taxing that I am sort of regretting coming. Especially since I know that they shouldn't be giving me money because they really don't have it now, after these huge expensive purchases they have made.
All I know is, when I have children, if one of them is financially strapped I will take care of them before splurging on myself. I will also make sure that I am not in a situation where I can't help my children. & I will NEVER - I repeat - ABSOLUTELY NEVER ask for my children to lend me money. That is just ridiculous.
I feel slightly better now after getting that off my chest but I'm still unhappy. I wish I had someone to cuddle with. Time to get one of the puppies to come into bed with me & be my snuggle buddy. Hopefully, I can sleep with this joint pain.
|
|
| Writer's Block: Fixing the past, Or: The Only True Question |
[04 Jun 2008|03:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Coheed and Cambria - Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV |
] |
I am going to answer both.
Question One:
My most regrettable decision was not calling my brother on the night he died. I had talked to my ex-boyfriend, Chris, that night and said, "I think I should call my brother, but he probably doesn't want to be bothered." Little did I know that at that moment a drug overdose was killing him. To fix it I would go back to that day and call him and tell him I love him. Whether it would save him or not I don't know but I would feel better just knowing that he knew that I loved him.
Question Two:
Pirates, obviously! Check This Out!
We have wenches!
|
|
| good day |
[21 Jan 2008|11:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 satisfied |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bonnie McKee - Marble Stairs |
] |
Not too eventful but good none the less.
I talked to Timmy today for a long while and it felt very natural.
There were times when I was at a loss for how to explain myself ::no that's not right:: how I felt ::thats a little closer:: but it was never too frustrating.
I am very worried about Victoria. She has been extremely sick the past couple of days.
I really care for her. She makes me feel at ease and at home in my own skin. Its wonderful.
I'd be terribly upset if anything were to happen to her.
Her friendship is not something I take lightly and I really look forward to it growing and maturing.
I had an amazing night with my boyfriend.
We went grocery shopping!
He is a bit of a wonderer like myself.
::It could have solely been because we needed something from almost every aisle - his apartment was void of food products::.
He just tosses stuff in the cart though and doesn't organize it until he has no more room.
I am all about neatly placing things in the so that they fit just right.
He made me a delicious dinner of chicken, onions, and potatoes.
The onions and potatoes were baked together and seasoned with thyme and such.
The chicken was cooked on the stove after marinating in some sort of Asian sauces we had bought from Gourmet Chef.
It was absolutely delightful.
I reiterate - today was a good day.
Tomorrow starts a new semester of school.
I finally feel like I am ready for it.
|
|
| Attraction |
[24 Dec 2007|01:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 torn |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Torn by Natalie Imbruglia |
] |
I am slowly finding myself attracted to people and I am not quite sure why.
It isn't that I want to date them or anything, or even have a sexual experience with them.
One, I just want to cuddle with - but it is something I want very badly.
I want to tell my significant other but I really don't know how to go about doing so.
He gets self conciense at times and I don't want him to feel he has anything to worry about.
This is so odd for me.
And honestly, I don't think the one person even knows I am mildly attracted to them, while the other I told.
Maybe the one person will come across this and find out.
Who knows?
Maybe someone will come across this and think they are the person and that should be a fun situation to deal with.
Eep.
Writing my fears (not the right word) always makes me feel weird and vulnerable.
Other emotions not so much.
I need to go eat something and get my head straight.
|
|
|
[18 Apr 2007|10:58pm] |
tonight was the first night of my show.
it was pretty damn awesome.
end.
|
|
| stressed, crazy, and searching for freedom |
[14 Apr 2007|09:07am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rock and Roll - The Velvet Underground |
] |
i haven't updated in ages
and i am paying for this s h i t
i suck
mmmhm
anyway - Aida - the musical i am in
is being performed next week
and i honestly feel that it is no where near ready
but as the well known phrase says - the show must go on.
otherwise - i am a stressed out little duck
with a painful toothache
::damn those wisdom teeth::
between work, the show, and school, i'm losing it
i have next to no time for me to relax and wind down
i am this tense ball of emotions and anxiety
eh - it all shall pass though
hopefully
had a day dream about Eddie two days ago
my father was in it at some points too
it freaked me out
when i told my friend about it, i burst into tears
i was bawling
it made me feel weak and crazy
mostly because when i had the daydream
i was in a disillusioned state
where i thought i could save Eddie
he's dead and gone
nothing will bring him back
so why do i feel like i can sometimes
why do i feel like if i do something right
he'll be here
he'll be alive
i can keep him safe
i can tell him i love him
my shrink says its normal for me to feel this way
i think she just doesn't want to deal with it
not unlike my other emotional issues
so much for going to a shrink
just to waste an hour a month
i need an apartment
and a car
i need my own life again
slowly i am creeping more and more towards freedom
|
|
| updates needed |
[17 Jan 2007|10:39pm] |
crazy amounts of updates need to be done....
yep....
i SUCK
yet strangley enough believe that i am pretty great...
DAMN FREINDS!
|
|
| School Schedule!!!!!!!! |
[13 Jan 2007|12:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Wots Uh The Deal - Pink Floyd |
] |
| Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday | Friday | | 8:30 AM - 9:45 AM | #### | #### | #### | #### | #### | | | | | | | | 10:00 AM - 11:15 AM | Chamber Choir | #### | #### | #### | #### | | | | | | | | 11:30 AM - 12:45 PM | Aural Comprehension | #### | Aural Comprhension | #### | #### | | | | | | | | 1:00 AM - 2:15 PM | Basic Musicianship | English Composition | Basic Musicianship | English Composition | #### | | | | | | | | 2:30 PM - 3:45 PM | Strategic Gaming Club | General Psychology | #### | General Psychology | #### | | | | | | | | 4:00 PM - 5:15 PM | Strategic Gaming Club | #### | #### | #### | #### | | | | | | | | 5:00 PM - 6:15 PM | Strategic Gaming Club | #### | #### | #### | #### | | | | | | | | 6:30 PM - 9:15 PM | #### | Musical Theatre | #### | Musical Theatre | #### |
so yeah - this is my school schedule
i will probably end up working on Wednesdays, Fridays, and either Saturday or Sunday
if i am lucky my boss won't have me work all of those days
i am crazy excited!!!!
WOOP WOOP!!!
tima is brushing my hair right now and it feels so good
|
|
|
[12 Jan 2007|11:22pm] |
|
i will post my schedule tomorrow....yep
|
|
| so loved....... |
[11 Jan 2007|08:42pm] |
i have amazing people in my life.
and i don't tell any of them enough.
lately, although i have been depressed, i have felt so loved.
it feels amazing.
and...the depression has been subsiding.
JUST IN TIME!
because honestly, i don't want to have my meds raised.
it is the last thing i want.
So yeah this is for Justin, Fenwick, Angie, Sean, TJ, Paul, Bekah, Robyn, Jay, and Chris.
You guys have been making my LIFE lately and I would be almost nothing without you.
You are my rocks and I want to be all of that for you.
most of these important people won't read this.
but those who do, will know a tiny inkling of how much i care.
|
|
|
[10 Jan 2007|11:01pm] |
today was my second day of work
it was my first time on my own
i am a hostess
its actually pretty easy.
the hardest thing is working the phone and transfering calls.
i even made a tip today.
it was for coat checking....haha
none of this is important.
tomorrow, i will write about the important stuff that has been going on.
yep, yep.
although i did register for classes.
WOOP WOOP.
|
|
| finally ho----- back in Mo-town |
[06 Jan 2007|10:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
giddy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
shuffle on my iPod - mix of Bob Marley, Dee Carstensen, etc. |
] |
Yeah. So I am back on Morristown.
Finally.
The time at my mother's was eventful to say the least but for once in a long time I got to feel like I had the life of a "normal" college student. It was interesting. For one I got to sleep out at a friend's house ::Angie:: and stay at Gaming Club past 6:30. I also got to attend my first ever Night at Fenwick's which kicked major a s s ::besides the fact that they took me to Rockaway Townsquare Mall to get my iPod and see Tanya::. I mean we just chilled out really and didn't do too much, but none the less I felt like I was home.
The truth of it is, I am home when I am with the people I care about who also care about me. For instance: I slept so peacefully at Paul's house it was rediculous. As a matter of fact, I also slept like an angel at Angie's and during my semi-nap at Fenwick's. I almost never sleep peacefully even/especially in my own bed. Beside's being able to rest - I felt perfectly at ease talking about my past, even things my overly blunt self wouldn't normally talk about. I found myself giving fully explained answers that MADE SENSE rather than short ones to end the inquiry or poorly defined answers. I was comfortable with myself, most of all, and saw beyond the flaws in my character. I really need to spend more time with my friends for my own ::mental:: health. This afternoon, I got to see Yvette, Nate and Lyle which was wonderful because we all caught up and went to visit my brother ::although visiting him isn't the most normal thing::. To finish off my rendevous with normalcy I went out to a "end of break" dinner with Chris, Manahan, Matt, Hartwell, Trippler, and Silas at Bennigan's. It was great seeing everybody before we all split up to go to various parts of the east coast again.
One thing that I don't think I have emphasised is how much the members of Game Club mean to me. I mean they have become some of the truest friends I have ever had. I didn't really get it until Night at Fenwick's. While I was there though I realized that all of them really want the best for me and nothing less. All of us are so supportive of eachother, and I am so glad I found a group like this in college. Like I stated before, when I am with them I feel like I am home. It is like being in ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dramamommy's office again with my girls ::except now it is mostly boys - not surprisingly::.
Wow - this entry was going to be about the time I had at my mom's etc. that would contribute to why I put up my icon. But, hell, this is actually meaningful - for once.
I am going to end this before I f uck it up.
|
|
| So Sorry.... |
[29 Dec 2006|04:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Clack Horse and a Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall |
] |
I hurt my best friend.
Its the only thing I feel bad about.
Because most other people are unreliable.
I am just going to lock myself up in a room because plans are never kept anyway.
I mean in the past few days 3 plans I have had with people - some of them for weeks - have been canceled.
Its not even worth it to try and go out anymore.
I need a job.
At least that is a definite way to get out of the house and see people besides my housemates.
My Season 2 House DVDs have been keeping me company.
I love House ::the character and show::.
I want to be on that show one day.
Yep. Yep.
That's if I haven't gone insane by then.
I still feel really bad about hurting my best friend.
I don't want to hurt him again but that makes my decision really difficult.
I love him so much.
No one else has really reacted to the news.
One person who has just said they were disappointed.
Another one either didn't hear me or completely avoided the situation.
Someone else talked to me for a while and kept me calm.
The people who I thought would help the most didn't.
Even my best friend....not that he didn't try it's just that all I can think about is how I betrayed his trust.
I am being vague. I know.
But I also know that a lot of the people who read this ::if anyone does:: know what I am talking about.
Or at least I would guess that they do.
Eli is a stupid boy.
Ok...not really.
I am just frustrated right now.
I feel pushed aside.
Not that I deserve special treatment.
I think its also because I am upset that I have only seen Chris 2 or 3 times during break.
If I am lucky I get to see him again.
I feel kind of abandoned.
What a surprise.
I am such a whiner.
Nobody wants to hear this s hit.
Except, maybe my therapist.
Not that she helps.
I want off the meds.
I need some intense therapy so I can get off of them.
I hate relying on them to keep me ok.
Especially when it stops helping and then I get prescribed more.
Why am I even typing this?
It's not necessary at all.
Let's all pretend I am happy!
EDIT: Turns out the one person didn't hear me/understand what I meant.
It was a quick subject change.
|
|
| i hate titles...... |
[27 Dec 2006|10:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
moody |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Black Horse and a Cherry Tree - KT Tunstall |
] |
Eli tries to make me happy.
I suck.
Death could be fun right now.
I don't want to wake up tomorrow.
That would be easiest.
Once again, I suck because this is "emo."
He is a jerk for making me laugh.
::le sigh::
This is the worst journal entry ever.
At least I'm a seductress.
EDIT: Ignore this. I am obviously just starving for attention.
|
|
| I'm a perv...yep |
[26 Dec 2006|09:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Songs I am Putting On iTunes |
] |
yuffiebunny did this quiz so I decided to do it too. And it is so true. ::and under a cut:: I'll post a better entry later. As in, one about my life at the moment. I suXors. Yep
|
|
|
[30 Nov 2006|03:13am] |
last entry was angsty teenage crap.
i suck.
EDIT: What the f uck! It's 10:20PM not 3:13AM! F UCKING COMPUTER!
|
|
| mixed up and confused |
[30 Nov 2006|02:56am] |
|
finals are coming up
i am freaking out
headshots tomorrow
i am excited
phone call today
i am happy
maybe one tomorrow
i am anxious
death one and a half months ago
i am depressed
best friends are busy
i am hurt
get voice mail
i am touched
with all of these emotions
i have no time for love
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
nerdy